My friend Daniel died two years ago, suddenly, of a brain aneurysm. Daniel was a big-hearted shit-talking writer and surfer from Liverpool who did things his own way. His friends and family loved him, and I loved him. My life is poorer without him.
Grief is a force of nature. It doesn’t unfold in socially-sanctioned ways, at least my own doesn’t. Sometimes I forget about Daniel altogether, and then remember him again a few weeks later, startled and guilty. Or I’m in a rage to express my grief – in conversation, in exercise, or just walking down the street, angry at the unfairness of it all, because he was only 46 and had so much life in him, and there was so much I still wanted to do with him, and I am not fine with any of it.
The day I got the news, I sat on a bench by the water and thought about some of the filthy hilarious crap Daniel would say. I laughed so hard the seagulls flew away. I thought about Daniel’s sensitivity, his crooked smile, “the crooked timber of his humanity,” to quote Isaiah Berlin. I knew enough to let the feelings come. Sadness, anger, sadness, nothing, nothing, nothing, shame, confusion, fear, more nothing. All the things. For many it’s only numbness and shock at first – big feelings come later, or don’t come at all, or maybe take the form of a sudden keen interest in genealogy. Who can say? No one knows for sure until it’s their turn. Grief is like an underground river that erodes things you don’t even know are eroding. Then a sinkhole forms on the surface, and in you go.
Buddhist teacher Joseph Goldstein talks about loving-kindness as a way to be with grief. Even if the person has died, says Goldstein, our love for them hasn’t.
Simple, and – for me at least – helpful. Let love balance the grief.
I’m doing this right now, even as I write this. I love you Daniel. I miss you. That love is your legacy, buddy.
This meditation is for everyone we’ve lost. There are many helpful resources out there around living with grief – comment below if there is one you’d like to share with the Home Base community.
Much love,
Jeff
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Many thanks!
