Jeff, as a member of your virtual community, I'll share what I learned about mutuality, stress, relationships, and community when our first child was born with a totally f'd up heart.
(Anybody reading this who is expecting, please know what he had was an extremely rare condition, so please don't worry!)
The stressors on our relationship: Carson spent his first month of life in a neonatal intensive care unit, fighting for his life. At four months, he weighed seven pounds and had to undergo open-heart surgery. It was touch-and-go, but he made it.
At five months, he experienced sudden congestive heart failure, leading to an air ambulance and a second, emergency open-heart surgery. He weighed six pounds. Somehow, by the grace of God, he survived. Following that, he couldn't eat for two years, so we fed him through a tube in his stomach.
More sh** happened, but you get the point. The stress on our relationship was immense and continuous.
As a psychologist, I knew that we tend to naturally turn to our partner for understanding and support when we feel depleted. But we were mutually depleted. Neither of us had anything to give. It would have been easy for the relationship to go south from there by blaming the other for somehow "not doing it right."
The mutuality of our community helped save us. People all over the country, whom we did not know, were praying for us. We could feel their energy, much like you encouraged us to do in the meditation. My boss gave me the space to get my work done in odd hours. Our immediate community of friends and family offered to help where they could, and we let them.
And we gave each other space and grace wherever we could.
For example, we couldn't fix it for each other, but we could listen. We could share our mutual experiences, e.g., "What did you think when the doctor said this?" and "Did you notice what that funny lady said when she got off the elevator at the hospital?", etc.
It was like lived meditation. We stopped trying to control the uncontrollable. Instead, we learned to go with the flow, cried when we needed to, and laughed when we could.
By sharing our lived experience and allowing the mutuality of our extended community to support us, we survived.
Today, Carson is thirty-seven years old and on his second pacemaker. His life's journey has not been easy, to say the least.
But now he is married to a wonderful woman, and we look forward to welcoming their first child, and our first grandchild, into this world soon.
Life is tough. Life is grand.
And when things get overwhelming, I use a mantra my wife shared with me years ago:
Gary thank you for sharing some of your story. I cannot even imagine. Completely agree with your conclusions, that’s pretty much how we’re doing it, although we do not have any where near the stress that you and your partner had. And to hear where Carson is now, unbelievable. God, love, and the breath. That’s not far off my own Trinity. Happy to be connected friend. ❤️❤️❤️
BTW, I learned also learned to lean into humor. It relaxes the body and opens the mind, even during life's most difficult trials. Your delightful, irreverent, and self-effacing sense of humor is one of the many reasons you are loved so much by me and so many others!
JEFF, I don’t know where I would be without humor in my life. Your humor is just one of your biggest strengths! To think when I was in grade school back in the days sitting at our kitchen table with my family for dinner, if I offered a few words of appropriate humor, my mother would firmly say it’s not polite for women to joke. I am sure her parents embedded that into her as well unfortunately. …Needless to say I would watch I Love Lucy, The Carol Burnett Show, Rowan’s and Martin’s Laughin and so many others shows with just my siblings. 🤣 Humor feeds my soul, heart and spirit.
Gary!!! I read this a few times before replying, and I’m grateful for your heartfelt story—Carson is blessed to have such loving, resilient parents, and to still be with us despite ongoing struggles. This evening I’ll hold you all in Mutuality meditation with Jeff and send loving-kindness blessings your way. Your openness about your profession is a powerful reminder that we’re all only human. We are miraculously interconnected even when we are dealing with our own life’s challenges. We often keep moving forward no matter how hard it is because we either love deeply, have unbreakable determination, have a strong sense of faith, a strong support system and/or we have learned valuable lessons and skills through other people’s experiences. I cannot even imagine the toll your family has endured these past 36 years. I’m sorry you’ve endured so much. I am personally all inspired by your family’s perseverance, respect and unconditional love. Not to mention your appreciation for humor. :)
Diane, thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind reply. It means a lot. As does including me in your loving kindness meditation. I'll take all the love and kindness I can get! You mentioned my profession. For the past twenty-five years, I have been a keynote speaker and writer on change and leadership. And guess where I get the source material for my talks? Yep—from all of the change we've experienced with Cars. If someone had told me 37 years ago that all we were going through then would lead to the ability to help others adapt to change in the future, I probably would have punched them in the face! But it's true. And it's a blessing. I've learned that there is always an opportunity, even in the most difficult change. But we have to be patient, believe it is there, and work to find it.
Wow, Gary! This is so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. I am so happy for Carson, his wife and your soon to arrive grandchild. Yes to surrendering control.
One of the things that got me through parenting my neuroquirky kids (now 17 and 22!) and the systems surrounding that was your voice and meditations! It was a port in the storm some days! I ended up writing a kind of map for parents going through this very experience. It’s a practical sense of self journey that kept me sane called Wide Open Spaces: a wellbeing journal for parents of neurodiverse children. It mentions you! Let me know if you’d like a copy. This feels full circle on the receiving and giving front. Love this one too. Lou Fearn
Oh god, do I ever feel like I could use some more ‘mutuality’ in my life right now. Life is a lot to hold on your own. Love the concept a bunch and love the sentiment even more! Let’s go lift some boats, I suppose!
Lifting boats 🚤 what a wonderful thought 💭 for each of us to have the opportunity to lift just one boat and maybe have our own lifted is the most beautiful thing I have heard this year so far ! Thanks as always Big J 🧎🏻
Totally Geoff - I also like the idea that in lifting someone else’s boat, we ourselves are being lifted - that any expression of love benefits everyone involved. Of course, that’s an ideal, plenty of examples of unhealthy giving! Personally, I’ve had to slow down to notice the rewards of giving; when I go too fast it’s mostly compulsive ego confusion 😂
OMG the image of the breath, giving and receiving from others collectively is the most powerful thing I can imagine. I loved this SO much. All of it, including the image of the intertwined bonsai which I would like to hang on my wall. As usual, you are the best. Love you Jeff.❤️
Jeff, although my time of parenting a young child is far in the past, I am grateful for your thoughts about the necessity (and gift) of community. Not only are we all interconnected, we are nourished and supported by giving as well as receiving kindness. For a very long time, I felt it was selfish of me to admit my need for that tenderness from others because my life has been relatively stable — as if my suffering didn’t measure up. But by more fully opening to my self-inflicted pain (always the warrior), the flow of giving and receiving tenderness is now what helps to sustain me day by day. Life is hard, even when we delude ourselves into thinking we are making it through unscathed.
Beautifully said Tamar, from one warrior to another. I think so many of us get caught up in the comparative suffering game, as if conditions can’t be both challenging internally AND externally.
Gracias! This is what we need to do and be. People seem so stretched and just getting by. Eco Village-anywhere land is available and buyable. I think Northern Ontario would be a good spot but that's mostly cuz I live in Toronto!
Every time your timing seems shorter than it says - you slow me down, steady me and always relax me so much I obviously temporarily loose awareness of time. Utter bliss 🩵
Thank you, Jeff. I got very emotional at the end realizing how closed off I’ve been feeling lately. This really opened me up again to the notion of RECEIVING kindness from others and being available for deeper connection. I’m grateful to you!
What a great post. Most definitely agree with the complexities of finding support in Canada for excellent care. (Challenging for me to find adequate resources for my teen and young adult nieces and nephews dealing with mental health struggles, ADHD, bipolar, with our overloaded healthcare system) What you said about mutuality, interdependence and community being vital for us to survive this life rings absolutely true.
My relatives living in a very remote northern region in the Philippines practice a very community and sharing based existence. Although they have influences of modern tech and some forms of western influence, they depend heavily on each other for support and community. It’s very different from living here in the bigger cities in Canada.
I hope you have found some form of community for your boys and your wife in BC. This whole way of living through interweaving, connecting and sharing the load with each other instead of isolating and “do it all on your own” feels so sustainable.
We’re getting there Malaya, this place has awesome potential and we’re meeting great people. ❤️ very interesting to hear about your relatives in the Philippines
Super happy to hear you're meeting great peeps there, Jeff!!!
Yeah I'm in a massive facebook group chat with my relatives and they hold these massive family parties/events with tons of food and celebrating and I always say I wish I could hop a plane and join you guys or please fedex me that food it looks so good! LOL!
Jeff, this is such a beautiful meditation and it really hit home. Raising two neurodivergent kids has been quite a journey and community was everything. We had neighborhood happy hours every Friday and everyone took turns hosting and we spent lots of times at preschool play dates, which planted the seeds for family friendships (read: being able to call each other to ask if we could drop off our kids before we lost our minds!). It took time to build this net or, to carry your metaphor, create a strong enough tide to lift us all. Sending so many positive thoughts as you and your partner start building this system for yourselves and your neighbors!
Jeff, as a member of your virtual community, I'll share what I learned about mutuality, stress, relationships, and community when our first child was born with a totally f'd up heart.
(Anybody reading this who is expecting, please know what he had was an extremely rare condition, so please don't worry!)
The stressors on our relationship: Carson spent his first month of life in a neonatal intensive care unit, fighting for his life. At four months, he weighed seven pounds and had to undergo open-heart surgery. It was touch-and-go, but he made it.
At five months, he experienced sudden congestive heart failure, leading to an air ambulance and a second, emergency open-heart surgery. He weighed six pounds. Somehow, by the grace of God, he survived. Following that, he couldn't eat for two years, so we fed him through a tube in his stomach.
More sh** happened, but you get the point. The stress on our relationship was immense and continuous.
As a psychologist, I knew that we tend to naturally turn to our partner for understanding and support when we feel depleted. But we were mutually depleted. Neither of us had anything to give. It would have been easy for the relationship to go south from there by blaming the other for somehow "not doing it right."
The mutuality of our community helped save us. People all over the country, whom we did not know, were praying for us. We could feel their energy, much like you encouraged us to do in the meditation. My boss gave me the space to get my work done in odd hours. Our immediate community of friends and family offered to help where they could, and we let them.
And we gave each other space and grace wherever we could.
For example, we couldn't fix it for each other, but we could listen. We could share our mutual experiences, e.g., "What did you think when the doctor said this?" and "Did you notice what that funny lady said when she got off the elevator at the hospital?", etc.
It was like lived meditation. We stopped trying to control the uncontrollable. Instead, we learned to go with the flow, cried when we needed to, and laughed when we could.
By sharing our lived experience and allowing the mutuality of our extended community to support us, we survived.
Today, Carson is thirty-seven years old and on his second pacemaker. His life's journey has not been easy, to say the least.
But now he is married to a wonderful woman, and we look forward to welcoming their first child, and our first grandchild, into this world soon.
Life is tough. Life is grand.
And when things get overwhelming, I use a mantra my wife shared with me years ago:
Breathe in God. Breathe out love.
Thanks for listening.
Gary thank you for sharing some of your story. I cannot even imagine. Completely agree with your conclusions, that’s pretty much how we’re doing it, although we do not have any where near the stress that you and your partner had. And to hear where Carson is now, unbelievable. God, love, and the breath. That’s not far off my own Trinity. Happy to be connected friend. ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you, Jeff. Likewise.
BTW, I learned also learned to lean into humor. It relaxes the body and opens the mind, even during life's most difficult trials. Your delightful, irreverent, and self-effacing sense of humor is one of the many reasons you are loved so much by me and so many others!
Yes to humour! I have a good friend who is an ER doctor and gallows humour keeps them sane
JEFF, I don’t know where I would be without humor in my life. Your humor is just one of your biggest strengths! To think when I was in grade school back in the days sitting at our kitchen table with my family for dinner, if I offered a few words of appropriate humor, my mother would firmly say it’s not polite for women to joke. I am sure her parents embedded that into her as well unfortunately. …Needless to say I would watch I Love Lucy, The Carol Burnett Show, Rowan’s and Martin’s Laughin and so many others shows with just my siblings. 🤣 Humor feeds my soul, heart and spirit.
Gary!!! I read this a few times before replying, and I’m grateful for your heartfelt story—Carson is blessed to have such loving, resilient parents, and to still be with us despite ongoing struggles. This evening I’ll hold you all in Mutuality meditation with Jeff and send loving-kindness blessings your way. Your openness about your profession is a powerful reminder that we’re all only human. We are miraculously interconnected even when we are dealing with our own life’s challenges. We often keep moving forward no matter how hard it is because we either love deeply, have unbreakable determination, have a strong sense of faith, a strong support system and/or we have learned valuable lessons and skills through other people’s experiences. I cannot even imagine the toll your family has endured these past 36 years. I’m sorry you’ve endured so much. I am personally all inspired by your family’s perseverance, respect and unconditional love. Not to mention your appreciation for humor. :)
One day at a time.
🫶
Diane, thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind reply. It means a lot. As does including me in your loving kindness meditation. I'll take all the love and kindness I can get! You mentioned my profession. For the past twenty-five years, I have been a keynote speaker and writer on change and leadership. And guess where I get the source material for my talks? Yep—from all of the change we've experienced with Cars. If someone had told me 37 years ago that all we were going through then would lead to the ability to help others adapt to change in the future, I probably would have punched them in the face! But it's true. And it's a blessing. I've learned that there is always an opportunity, even in the most difficult change. But we have to be patient, believe it is there, and work to find it.
Beautiful said and so true.
My loving kindness blessings will continue!!
Wow, Gary! This is so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. I am so happy for Carson, his wife and your soon to arrive grandchild. Yes to surrendering control.
Malaya, thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me, and I appreciate you sharing them with me. Mutuality in action!
One of the things that got me through parenting my neuroquirky kids (now 17 and 22!) and the systems surrounding that was your voice and meditations! It was a port in the storm some days! I ended up writing a kind of map for parents going through this very experience. It’s a practical sense of self journey that kept me sane called Wide Open Spaces: a wellbeing journal for parents of neurodiverse children. It mentions you! Let me know if you’d like a copy. This feels full circle on the receiving and giving front. Love this one too. Lou Fearn
Hi Lou - Yes, please that sounds sensational. I would love to see your Wide Open Spaces road map friend. Thank you!
Great. This is so weirdly full circle. Email me details of where I can post a copy to you hello@louisefearn.co.uk
Oh god, do I ever feel like I could use some more ‘mutuality’ in my life right now. Life is a lot to hold on your own. Love the concept a bunch and love the sentiment even more! Let’s go lift some boats, I suppose!
Maybe we can start small!
Lifting boats 🚤 what a wonderful thought 💭 for each of us to have the opportunity to lift just one boat and maybe have our own lifted is the most beautiful thing I have heard this year so far ! Thanks as always Big J 🧎🏻
Totally Geoff - I also like the idea that in lifting someone else’s boat, we ourselves are being lifted - that any expression of love benefits everyone involved. Of course, that’s an ideal, plenty of examples of unhealthy giving! Personally, I’ve had to slow down to notice the rewards of giving; when I go too fast it’s mostly compulsive ego confusion 😂
OMG the image of the breath, giving and receiving from others collectively is the most powerful thing I can imagine. I loved this SO much. All of it, including the image of the intertwined bonsai which I would like to hang on my wall. As usual, you are the best. Love you Jeff.❤️
So glad it landed for you Kay!
I couldn’t agree more with Kay and all of the beautiful heartfelt comments left.
Jeff, although my time of parenting a young child is far in the past, I am grateful for your thoughts about the necessity (and gift) of community. Not only are we all interconnected, we are nourished and supported by giving as well as receiving kindness. For a very long time, I felt it was selfish of me to admit my need for that tenderness from others because my life has been relatively stable — as if my suffering didn’t measure up. But by more fully opening to my self-inflicted pain (always the warrior), the flow of giving and receiving tenderness is now what helps to sustain me day by day. Life is hard, even when we delude ourselves into thinking we are making it through unscathed.
Beautifully said Tamar, from one warrior to another. I think so many of us get caught up in the comparative suffering game, as if conditions can’t be both challenging internally AND externally.
Beautiful response Tamar! I feel like we are kindred spirits.🙏
Gorgeous. So grateful for this.
Thank you for sharing! So touching and inspiring!
Gracias! This is what we need to do and be. People seem so stretched and just getting by. Eco Village-anywhere land is available and buyable. I think Northern Ontario would be a good spot but that's mostly cuz I live in Toronto!
our utopian plans would have to include lots of mosquito repellent!
So true lol!
Thank you Jeff. Loved that!
Every time your timing seems shorter than it says - you slow me down, steady me and always relax me so much I obviously temporarily loose awareness of time. Utter bliss 🩵
Phoebe!
Thank you, Jeff. I got very emotional at the end realizing how closed off I’ve been feeling lately. This really opened me up again to the notion of RECEIVING kindness from others and being available for deeper connection. I’m grateful to you!
I'm grateful you received, the gift is both ways!
I’m so glad you are here. It’s hard for me to sometimes remember that I am never alone, yet. we. are. NEVER, alone. especially. in. Jeff’s community!
🫶
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Thank you, Jeff. Beautiful & so needed today. I will practice this meditation often.
I am mad late commenting on this. 😂
What a great post. Most definitely agree with the complexities of finding support in Canada for excellent care. (Challenging for me to find adequate resources for my teen and young adult nieces and nephews dealing with mental health struggles, ADHD, bipolar, with our overloaded healthcare system) What you said about mutuality, interdependence and community being vital for us to survive this life rings absolutely true.
My relatives living in a very remote northern region in the Philippines practice a very community and sharing based existence. Although they have influences of modern tech and some forms of western influence, they depend heavily on each other for support and community. It’s very different from living here in the bigger cities in Canada.
I hope you have found some form of community for your boys and your wife in BC. This whole way of living through interweaving, connecting and sharing the load with each other instead of isolating and “do it all on your own” feels so sustainable.
We’re getting there Malaya, this place has awesome potential and we’re meeting great people. ❤️ very interesting to hear about your relatives in the Philippines
Super happy to hear you're meeting great peeps there, Jeff!!!
Yeah I'm in a massive facebook group chat with my relatives and they hold these massive family parties/events with tons of food and celebrating and I always say I wish I could hop a plane and join you guys or please fedex me that food it looks so good! LOL!
Beautiful meditation and so needed right now. Thank you!
Jeff, this is such a beautiful meditation and it really hit home. Raising two neurodivergent kids has been quite a journey and community was everything. We had neighborhood happy hours every Friday and everyone took turns hosting and we spent lots of times at preschool play dates, which planted the seeds for family friendships (read: being able to call each other to ask if we could drop off our kids before we lost our minds!). It took time to build this net or, to carry your metaphor, create a strong enough tide to lift us all. Sending so many positive thoughts as you and your partner start building this system for yourselves and your neighbors!
You are an inspiration Varda, love reading about how you went about this, plan to follow your model!